(n): a sense of fluidity between your body and mind, where you are totally absorbed by and deeply focused on something, beyond the point of distraction.

It started to feel like everything that brought me joy was somehow forbidden. If you sing - straight to hell. If you dance - straight to hell. If you act in a school play - straight to hell. If you dress a certain way - straight to hell. If you smile at a boy - oh definitely straight to hell.

Reminds me of this guy (to non parks & recs fans I recommend watching this episode if you watch nothing else):

So I had no choice but to follow the rules. This manifested in me completely shutting off all creative aspects of myself and playing a role. A role that I was programmed to play. A role that was not mine.

I slowly started to operate fully out of fear. Every decision I made was rooted in a deep fear. From jobs to relationships to friends. I was acting as though my sole purpose was to make others happy in order to gain the approval I had sought as a child. I was craving validation. At some point I remember writing in my journal that all I wanted was for someone to tell me “you’re doing good”. I started to wonder, what if the only reason I excelled at my jobs or relationships was because I would do anything to please others.

That’s when the anxiety started. My form of anxiety manifested in trying to control. I found myself pre-planning every moment. Thinking and stressing about every possible outcome, and doing everything I could to avoid a “negative” outcome. The total opposite of flowing.

I forgot about the things that brought me joy. I forgot about living in the moment. I forgot about listening to my intuition. The fear that drove me to play a role in order to receive love started to follow me everywhere I went. Who was I really, without the need for validation?

Over the years, it slowly morphed into a box that I fit so well in. A box with walls made of my fears.

So all I could do was start chipping away. Slowly start bringing down the walls, because something inside me is telling me that just beyond those walls is the version of myself that I was born to be. Not someone else’s version, but mine.

I know that whatever fear that exists that’s stopping me from knowing my true self needs to be completely challenged. What would emerge from me when I gave myself the space to feel true fearlessness? Who would I become? What would I do for a living? Only time will tell… but all I know is a leap of faith is required.

So I did the ultimate thing….

I quit the best job I’ve ever had and said goodbye to the city I had once yearned to live in (NYC obvisouly).

Why?

To let go and fully surrender. Because when we let go, there is an emptying that occurs. An emptying that gives you space. And with space, you can fill yourself up once again. This time intentionally and aligned with the one thing that fear hates the most….

Love. 💓 

Part of what I’m looking to do with my time off, is travel. Allowing myself to meet new people, volunteer and explore hidden treasures.

My first stop is bonnie Scotland! I’ve been in this amazing country for almost 3 weeks and all I can say is WOW. I’m in complete and utter awe at the landscape and nature that is revitalizing my soul. I’ll share pictures and thoughts in my next newsletter but until then, enjoy this funny Gif of men in kilts dancing.

Thich Nhat Hanh is one of the many instrumental teachers who has helped me in finding stillness in the present moment as a way of combating the fear. If you don’t have time to read his book, I recommend taking 5 minutes of your day to listen to his take on combatting fear.

Until next time! 👋